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February 14th, 2007
11:27 pm - freezing over.... and such
studying is a bitch.
even when its stuff i'm interested in...
i think when i'm in lecture my brain is like... hey this is super duper... just sit back jot down a few notes here and there... and enjoy the learning process....
studying however.. is more like...
FUCK YOUR BRAIN...
you know those commercials... about Depression 'hurting'... i've got a new theory about Studying 'hurting'.... seriously... why is there no sitting/laying/reclining position conducive to studying... seems like no matter how you adjust... you'll just have to readjust in 10 minutes before the searing pain in your.. neck/back/shoulders/feet/hands... has you contemplating amputation...
oh well... the test is tomorrow at 2:20 and i'm either gonna get an A or not get an A... that's all there is to it... and i'm not sure that another moment of staring at notes or highlighting texts is going to make a difference at this point... that's what i'm telling myself anyway... b/c i'm tired and grumpy.
and b/c of this test and some unforeseen events having to do with my German class (gag)... i didn't get my laundry done... which means... i'm pretty sure i don't have any fucking pants to wear tomorrow... so if you sit next to me.. and smell something less that TIDE-LIKE... fuck yourself... i had a test to study for... :)
sorry for all the expletives... i don't get to use them during my daily interactions with the Neo-conservative fundamentalist kiddos at school... for fear of their heads exploding... and getting brain-goo on my shoes... so i'm venting them out here.. in a safe place.
speaking of shoes... ouch
speaking of not shoes... also ouch
in other news...i'm continually more and more disgusted with the general population of students at A&M.... seriously... why can't they think!?!?
if this is our future... i'm scared
very scared.
don't tell the christians that Jesus was a socialist... they don't like that... they get red in the face... and spit when they quote their bible verses...
its funny if you're into causing mental anguish... oh and if you are into it... watch them defend Torture as a viable option for gathering information... ask them if you can pinch them while they tell you... :)
sometimes being this evil is toooo much fun.
kisses and carpal tunnel dolls.
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May 25th, 2006
12:07 am - don't read this... please.
i can't seem to find a place to unload all this self-loathing...
it's getting so heavy...
and i'm so tired.
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March 18th, 2006
07:12 pm
so i'm trying to insert a picture here... i'm new to this... so bear with me... b/c i'll probably fuck it up!...
but at any rate... i had a Happy St. Patrick's day... and i hope you did too... :)
who doesn't love a red-head in green?
Current Mood:  just regular
Current Music: Blood- Editors (tasty to my ears)
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February 20th, 2006
01:26 pm - bad and good... days and days and days.
so i'm not as well adjusted as my mother would like to think...
I've been sorta holding it all together here recently... just like ignoring things that i don't think i can handle... but. I'm just not able to ignore anything else. I've got to stop trying to connect with males. You boys are terrible for my health! I've mastered the disfunctional relationship... i'm ready to move on...
so instead of looking for one of YOU.... i'm just gonna look for me.
so i'm aiming at.... A&M summer... may have to wait til Fall if the funds aren't there... but i'm just poor enough to qualify for a shittload of loans/grants/stuffs...
i'm terrified of starting over in a new town... and trying to find a place to live... but... well i'm more afraid of living in Abilene for the rest of my life....I'm quite convinced that there isn't anything here for me... I mean abilene will always be my hometown... but... its not always going to be my home.
so... here's to kicking my own ass into gear and getting this school thing done.
no matter how fucking scary it is.
as far as men go....
i'm tired of liking the wrong ones....
i'm attracted to men who want very little from me... men who want just sex.... and don't care to know me... beyond my bedroom. so fuck you boys!...
especially the ones that never called again... and more so you that do call... on lonely bored nights when you'd rather not be alone... fuck you especially so and roughly!
over the course of the last year... i've become quite bitter towards men... and don't trust you. any of you.
oh and i got a raise.
kisses and fear facing dolls!
Current Mood:  venting...
Current Music: Eclipse- Pink Floyd
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January 29th, 2006
09:58 pm - faster than jets....
so i'm the newest nature girl ever!!!!
Opal and I spent a good chunk of saturday with Martha and Chris at the state park... being all naturey(is that a word?)and today i went for a jog through the air-park with chris... It was to say the very least an experience... Over the past few years i've done the gym thing off and on... sometimes quite addictively and other times b/c i feel like i have to... but... in all those times... i always did the eliptical runner, stationary bike, and weight trained with free-weights mostly... rarely using the weight machines... the treadmil was always my last resort... i would only used it if all the elipticals were taken and all the bikes... and all the stair steppers... i really don't enjoy the treadmil... for running or walking... at any rate... over the last 5 years... i've really been able to avoid "running" for the sake of "running"... not that i haven't worked out at all... i mean on thursday i went a few miles on the eliptical and when i'm really into it... its not a big deal to go 6 or 7 miles at a time... but to just run... outdoors no less... it's been a while... plus its my joints just plain weren't ready for it... its alot higher impact than the eliptical even when you're really tearing it up... (oh my god does she ever shutup?) so yeah chris was like when was the last time you ran... and i had to really think... and the last time i ran for any substantial distance or length of time... was like in 98 when i was playing softball... can you believe that shit? so anyhow... i had to try and figure out how to pace myself...and what kind of stride to use... i bet i looked retarded... but in the end... i did it... i bitched alot but i did it... it wasn't terrible... but i don't thinking that running is going to replace the Elipitical machine as my favorite cardio activity... but it was nice to have some scenery to look at rather than the chick in front of me's butt while i ran... and no annoying 80's rock ballads insisting that i'm a champion in the background....
so here's to a smaller ass in 2006. :)
kisses and running shoes dolls :)
Current Mood:  good good
Current Music: Neutral Milk Hotel - In an Aeroplane Over the Sea
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January 20th, 2006
11:47 am - new music and illegal activities!
so i'm off of work today which means one thing... i'm bored! how lame is that? that i can't find a damn thing to do...
looks like opal gets to go to the park today... b/c thats what we always do when i'm off of work...b/c i'm lame and she is awesome!
well if anyone of you lovely lovely lovlies... wants to entertain me... call... b/c i'm dying here.
kisses and sparkly nail polish dolls
Current Mood:  so bored i might die
Current Music: Built to Spill- Stab
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January 6th, 2006
11:06 am - home at last
so my compy is up and running and more than that... it here with me at my new home... and even more than that... after performing some technical feats that i didn't think i was even capable of... i have the internet here too!!!! how super huh?
so yeah i'm super great...
and i just read that bcbs is hiring... hmmm i'm totally intrested...wonder what shift i'd like to work... hmmmm
honestly probably the 6am to 3pm shift... just b/c its closer to a regular day-job and would still leave me with my nights open for singing... :)
well i've got to shower and such... b/c even though this is my day off... there is work to be done.!!
kisses dolls..
Current Mood:  coffee in my cup yea!
Current Music: Sideways- Citizen Cope
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January 2nd, 2006
01:44 pm - it may not be silver but there is definate lining.!
okay so....
work sucks... but not as much today b/c totally afore-mentioned she-devil-bitchtress is off today... i think she thinks i like her... ahhh i'm so bad at being like mean or rude to people...
so yeah but i talked to martha last night... and it sorta struck me.... the way i could finally afford to go to school... is to live with her... so i'm all you need to try to get a job in dallas or maybe in college station... but really what kinda jobs do they have down there?? anyway i'm all if you get a job Big-D then we could totally split a place and i could afford to go to school.... its not ideal of course... i mean everyone knows martha and i sometimes... ummm hate each other in very noisy violent ways...but... BUT we are adults and i figure between work and school i won't be "home" much anyhow... and martha is such a socialite.. i'm sure she'll have a huge new batch of friends pretty soon.... i don't know... the more i think about it the more i like the plan... me and marta in dallas this summer.... and most importantly... ME IN SCHOOL... yeah it'd be super nice to get finished... b/c then i could start to look for that rich guy i wanna marry so i can travel all over the world... and he can pay for it... yeah bliss!
in other news...
ummm my house is wrecked... i woke up today and i was all..> "who the fuck trashed my apartment?"... yeah it was me... the holidays have really done a number on my living quarters... the closet is really quite clean... but thats b/c the clothes and shoes are all over the living room... so yeah tonite... is clean the fuck outta your house night.. i'm even """SHOCKINGLY"""" borrowing mom's super vaccuum woot! and i'll have you know... (you of course being people who might have know previously the state of my kitchen) I did those dishes like nearly 2 weeks ago... so yeah i'm not GROSS!! the only gross thing is... ummm all the ummm science projects that need to be removed from the fridge...b/c yeah those are errr old... heehee is that bad?
yeah so i'm totally buying hangers and windex today after work... and going to town cleaning my home....
oh and i'm a crocheting queen thanks to mom and brandi... i've just finished my first little hat and its sooo cute i'll take a picture of it... before i mail it off to virginia... oh speak of pictures... i'm gonna try to post one of Opal on here... seeing as how i gots me a fancy new camera... well i'm headed.. back to work...
have to love the overtime :)
kisses and cleaning products dolls!!!
Current Mood:  alright i think
Current Music: Different Names - Death Cab for Cutie
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January 1st, 2006
01:37 pm - so it begins again.
2005 was a year of big changes....
it started cruising the streets of Richmond VA in a sexy Mitsubishi 3000GT, with a special someone... In Feburary 05 I began to fall apart, and by March 1st I was on my way home to Texas. 2005 saw the end of my whirlwind romance with the one who got away, as well as the official end of my short-lived and poorly-planned marriage.... by the middle of March i was home working and miserable... I was now faced with the prospect of mourning all my losses that i'd ignored. I finally had to recognize that my marriage was really over and that it really hurt even if it was for the best... to recognize that my feelings for Paul would never be returned no matter how strongly i felt for him... to establish that as scary as it would be... i had to start over.
so i started... something... I went on lots of dates, had a few one night stands... this continued through may and june and even into july... it wasn't until August that I made an attempt at something with a bit more substance... though it wasn't really much of an attempt.. it stopped the pattern. James.. stopped the pattern... b/c i liked him... He was the first person I had "dated" that was real... that really had something to say and who I really enjoyed being around. Too bad really that James lived(lives) so far away would have been fun to get to know him better.... but all that aside James was the beginning of something more positive for me... after "James part I" was "Andrew Part II" a boy i had dated previously last summer and went out with again but nothing came from it again... Then in November was "James partII" which was really just a good time in a different town with a really nice and fun kid!... shortly after that weekend things fell off and well we don't talk anymore which is sad but no harm done no feelings hurt... Then i met Chris who swept me off my feet... and in a very short lived relationship helped to make me feel like a real lovely and beautiful person... if only i could have returned his affetion... Chris is easily one of my best buds now... Then there is scott... who is probably one of the most surprising people i know... not for any outrageous reason but just b/c of who he is. His personality and his lifestyle, his way of seeing things... he's a fresh person very real and honest... and a good friend... but the boys weren't the only things going on in '05... there were my girls to.
I rediscovered my old friends... Leanna, and Brandi are my standing saturday nights!! their my "girlz" in the truest sense... Karessa is my inspiration she blows me away at every turn with how ambitious and successful she's been and will be in her school carreer and afterwards... and she hasn't lost a bit of her spark or individualism which i completely am in awe of... its so easy to let go of the things that make you "you"... and so few people really hold on to themselves and their personality the way Karessa has... you're super girl!!! and though i haven't seen her... Jessica keeps in touch and up to date... and when we do talk on the phone its like we haven't missed a beat! kisses doll.... Martha everyone knows we don't always get along... but we always love each other... even when we are calling each other sluts... he ehee... she's my other half.. in lots of ways... we are as different as two sisters can be... while at the same time being nearly the same... she's been there to drag my drunk ass home several times and there to give my dumb ass a reality check or two as well... She's my sister and always will be no matter how much i can't stand being around her... ( just kidding... sorta ya know)...
There are also the people i can now call friends... the people that i may not see much or at all... or the people who i only speak to rarely... people who in one way or another enriched my life this past year... most of whom will never read this post...
Paul- the best lost love i've ever had, and the truest friend a girl could ever have... at times my hero, and the person who knows me...
Alan- the strangest kiddo i've ever had the honor of calling friend... always good for a bit of random fun... and a good-loser at trivial pursuit!!!
Chadwick- my opposite in every way.... he's great if i'm in the mood to debate... and i'm totally jealous of his nomadic life... traveling from town to town.. and job to job... just living it up!
Randy- My Sailor!.. he's in florida and we haven't seen each other since july'04 but we keep in touch... his art blows my mind and his sense of humor kills! plus he's got great taste in music.
Ross- the kid i've never met but totally adore...be safe!
Trevor - see Ross.
Marissa (janie)- The craziest girl i've ever known... too bad she won't be my sister-in-law(he hee) cloves and cherry vodka's will forever remind me of you love!
Marcus- a new friend, i look forward to learning more about... and the kind of person you can tell anything to without fear of being judged!.
Jeff- he knows how to share... and wherever you are Jeff i miss ya and i hope you're doing well... skinny's just isn't the same since you've been gone!.
Ryan- the best rapper i've ever met!... and a great orthodontist.!!!
i'm sure i'm leaving lots of people off the list... but it doesn't mean i don't loves ya...
Events... in 05 that stand out.
The HORRIBLE MOVE!
The Japanese Goth Rock Concert!
The 10hr Trip to Austin!
The Cross Canadian Ragweed concert!
The Airshow!
The Strip Club!
The Recording of my CD
The Birth of Opal's Puppies!
The Death of Jaquelyn Austin
The Marriage of Amy & Mat
The First Time I sang on stage!
The Graduations of Emory and Martha
The Elevator Ride at the old Austin Hotel
and more....
so how do you sum up a year so full of changes....
i don't know...
i guess you can do one of two things...
just pretend like its just another day and go on without pausing to look back...
or take a moment to think about how different things are now that they were a year ago...
I'm happier now than a year ago... I'm stronger now..
in '06 what i want... is just to continue to find myself...and my joy.
Happy New Year
love sarah
Current Mood:  still smiling
Current Music: The yeah yeah yeahs - MAPS
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December 14th, 2005
12:14 pm - a copy and a note
so i posted in my myspace blog... and felt the need to share it ( so this is the copy part of this journal.... )
in other business... i broke up with the nice guy... he was nice... but... it wasn't enough... i don't know what i wanted... possibly i just don't want to belong to anyone.... or maybe just not to him.... he wasn't a redhead afterall... j/k (sortof)... so christmas is comming up and i'm dreading it... the more i think about it the more depressed i get... Paul dumped me last christmas, and even though we got back together before new years.. it was really the end our relationship... and things just weren't the same from then on til i moved .... and the various christmas memories i have from my short marriage to josh are also less than happy... b/c they were all with his family who liked to suck the joy out of any and all family events... alas....soon it'll be over and it'll be 2006 and i'll be closer to college station and my life. </p>
and if you have the chance to live out one of your fantasies... do it... you don't get many chances to do things like that in this life.
kisses dolls and kiddos...
:)
Current Mood:  frustrated and stuff
Current Music: Heaven's A Lie- Lacuna Coil
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